A sweep of the Cubs in Wrigley, what a surprise. I am not certain if you noticed any sarcastic tone but let me assure you it’s there. Another year, another disappointment. Yet none of this surprises me. We have been there before. The Cubs made it to the promised land back in 1945. Yes, back in the year the U.S. was dropping bombs on Japan! But we have won divisions and had an opportunity to challenge for a championship. There were the great teams of 1969, 1984, 1989, 1998, 2001, 2003 and 2007. By all rights the baseball gods should have shined down on the Cubs during at least one of these seasons. How the Cubs didn’t play the Orioles in 1969 is beyond me. Why they didn’t meet the Tigers, in what could have been the greatest World Series of this half century in 1984 is a mystery. How the Cubs let a meeting with the Yankees slip from their grasp in 2003 baffles the savviest of baseball minds.
So the question should be WHY? I have seen the likes of Santo, Williams, Jenkins, Sandberg, Sutcliffe, Lee Smith, Dawson, Prior, Wood, Sosa and so many other Cub greats come and go and not one banner raised. Leo Durocher, Jim Frey, Don Zimmer, Don Baylor, Dusty Baker and Lou Piniella are a virtual who’s who in MLB managers. Why didn’t Leon come up with the grounder, why couldn’t we get Kevin Mitchell out, why the hell did Bartman reach out for a ball and why the God damned BLACK CAT? The more WHYS and HOWS I come up with the more I realize that there is no answer. But even though there is no answer I think there can be a solution moving forward.
The solution is rebranding! Maybe what the Cubs need is a change of scenery and a new name. Maybe a new logo to go with that new owner in 2008. Many fledgling businesses have rebranded with a nice track record of success. I can’t even count how many times McDonalds rebranded to get a boost in the bottom line. Even when company’s products don’t change the new logo, processes and communication allow them to succeed. Political campaigns and even countries have been known to change colors, views and direction just to achieve their goals. Why not the CUBS? It worked for the Angels in Anaheim and the Bucs in Tampa Bay. New coaches, uniforms, stadiums and attitude resulted in championships.
So, let’s begin!
First of all Cubs name has to go. I mean, who is afraid of a Cub. It is a teddy bear. Little girls across the nation cuddle with them to fall asleep which is what this Cubs team did to its fans in the NLDS this season. We need a rugged name that works for the city that works. How about the Teamsters? OK, that wouldn’t happen and the baseball players probably couldn’t afford the dues. How about a name that combines the great champions of this town? The White Sox, Bears and Bulls are our other champions. Let’s see here…White Sox and Bears, White Bears, ah ha…POLAR BEARS. OK, now how do we work the Bulls in without using the word Bull? Steer, Ox…AH HA, Cow! Stick with me here. Stockyards! Mrs. O’Leary’s cow was bad ass. It got pissed, kicked a latern and nearly burned down the city. Harry Carey, the lone bright spot in the past 99 years, made Holy Cow famous so Cow has to be in the name. I’ve got it, the Chicago Polar Cows. Damn I’m good.
The next line of busines is the Polar Cows have to have a new home. Sorry but Wrigley isn’t going to cut it anymore. It is too nostalgic and you don’t want nostalgia when your history is losing. Cub fans still have nightmares of that damn blue L flag. And the neighborhood, way too trendy and full of transplants and DINKS. Besides, you shouldn’t have a sports venue within a mile radius of a bistro. Time to move on!
The new park should have an intimidating name. Al Capone is the biggest Chicago bad ass I can think of so the new venue is now called Capone Park. The design will be glass, steel and concrete. It will be very intimidating and cold. No trendy bells and whistles here. No fancy sound effects. However, when the Polar Cows hit a home run, look out. We are talking fireworks, pyrotechnics and a loud MOOOOOO will rattle the glass and steel as the runner circles the bases. Fans will smack a cowbell with every strikeout Zambrano tosses. Afterall, we could always use more cowbell.
Now that the Polar Cows have a great new stadium we have to put it somewhere. We can’t go south because the White Sox are there and that is reason enough. We should go northwest but we should remain in the city. Sorry, but I have no desire to cheer for the Skokie Polar Cows. I’ve got it. We plop this new state of the art, mobster run venue right next to O’Hare field. It would be close to Rosemont so the mobsters would have a quick ride home. Planes would fly overhead and I mean overhead providing the greatest home field advantage in MLB.
Now that we have a new name and home we need a new colors and a logo. I am thinking we replace the sky blue because it’s sky blue. Nothing intitmidating about that color. As I stare at it and count back from 10 I find myself drifting asleep. OK, black because it is the most bad ass color, or lack there of. We have to have some burnt orange trim because of the O’Leary Cow fire thing and gold. Why gold? I don’t know, I think it will look nice. As far as the logo goes, I don’t know? Angry albino cow holding a baseball bat work for you?
Finally, new owners. OK, I have had enough of this corporate crap. Wrigley then Tribune and now Cuban and this Equity partner guy are fighting for the team. BORRRRRING! Sure Cuban would be OK but he hasn’t won anything yet. Look, I want winners people don’t like so give me an ownership group that includes Donald Trump, George W. Bush and Kevin Federline and we are off to a good start. Bush is a winner. I mean he flies plans that say Mission Accomplished and he does what he wants, when he wants and Congress can’t control him. I like it. And you hav Federline or Ex-Mr. Spears as I like to call him. He is sleazy and manipulative but he took Britney Spears money and now he has her kids. That’s a winner. And why Donald Trump? A side from being ridiculously wealthy and having great hair he can FIRE the other two if they’re not getting the job done.
Well, that should do it. New name, place and owners should shed the curse once and for all. Lou and the gang should be able to shed the lovable loser label as the Polar Cows tear through the National League and meet Bill Gates’ Seattle Tsunami in the World Series.
What are you saying? I’m crazy! This is excessive and silly. Fine then, I have another idea. Let’s just sign reliever Joe Nathan and outfielder Torii Hunter and give it another shot. Oh boy, here we go again. Don’t come crying to me in 2008!